Ten Snow Commandments
The year 2006 is almost gone. We will probably remember some of it as the Year of The Dinosaur(Rona), unlike the 4 times the Fiberals earned the title. But then we all know the MSM isn't bias. So as a small tribute to Kyoto and that new Idol of the Idiots, Global Injustice, I offer the following as we struggle through yet another day of snow and -15C( W/C -30). Enjoy.
So bad was the driving that a certain number of commandments had to be written on huge tablets of ice and offered to the asses -- I mean masses -- who would otherwise think that they knew how to driveth, especially the SUV dumbos.
It is written.
Thou shalt go forth and purchase a substance known as lock de-icer.
Thou shalt immediately put said product in thine glove box. Henceforth, when thy locks freezeth, thou can thinketh how stupid it was to put it in thy car.
Thou art an idiot.
After thou starth thy buggy, thou shall see a high temperature light. Thou shall then discover that despite Climate Injustice, water still freezth at -25 without proper anti-freeze. Thou shall then driveth thy buggy in an attempt to turn off said light. Thou shall then discover what "engine seizure" meanth.
Thou art a real idiot.
After parking thy buggy at work during an all-day snowstorm, thou shalt suddenly remember that thy snow brush is hanging up at thine home, safely in thy garage.
Thou shalt then tuck one's hand into one's jacket sleeve, and use said sleeve, in huge sweeping motions to clear thy car off.
For thine windows, thou shalt ruin thy credit card, in a pathetic attempt at window scraping.
Did I mention that thou art an idiot?
Thou shalt master the Alberta tradition of performing the "snap-back."
This is executed while driving, and in order to get yon ice off of thy windshield wipers, because thy credit card is ruint, thou will rolleth down thy window, turn on thy wipers, and grabbeth them at the right time. Thou will then release or "snap back" the wiper.
Ye are not alone, idiot.
Upon thine battery giving out, thou will find thyself in needeth of a "boost."
Thou will have to shame-facedly admit that thine own booster cables are currently hanging alongside thy snowbrush in yonder garage.
Thou will then -- for unknown reasons -- hooketh up the booster cables from another's car to yours, but not before performing that spark test, wherein the cables are rubbed together for luck. (Note, it is only the male of the species that shall do so.) Thou will then discover the reverse current law of electricity, as smoke fillth thy hood.
We are idiots.
Thou shalt discover that low-profile tires, and 4-wheel drive on thy buggy sucketh when it comes to ice traction.
Thou will then be thankful for thine rear window defroster, so one's hands can be warm, while one pushes said car.
Thou shalt make great time on (wherever) all the way to (wherever), where time will stand still, until thou reachth thy desitination, half an hour later then normal.
A large Tim Hortons and the rhythm of all the "snap backs" shall calm thy nerves.
Thou shalt not clear off thy vehicle before driving it past the rest of us at break-neck speeds. We shall remain miffed due to the fact that you cannot see the famous hand gestures we are offering up.
Thou shalt continue to attempt to look cool by talking on thy cell phone instead of concentrating on the road.
Sample conversation: "Hi, it's me. Can you check if the snowbrush and booster cables are in yonder garage?"
Yes Alberta, the winter of our discontent has grudgingly been taken upon.
It must be thine Climate Injustice.
Per Ardua Ad Astra MERRY CHRISTMAS
So bad was the driving that a certain number of commandments had to be written on huge tablets of ice and offered to the asses -- I mean masses -- who would otherwise think that they knew how to driveth, especially the SUV dumbos.
It is written.
Thou shalt go forth and purchase a substance known as lock de-icer.
Thou shalt immediately put said product in thine glove box. Henceforth, when thy locks freezeth, thou can thinketh how stupid it was to put it in thy car.
Thou art an idiot.
After thou starth thy buggy, thou shall see a high temperature light. Thou shall then discover that despite Climate Injustice, water still freezth at -25 without proper anti-freeze. Thou shall then driveth thy buggy in an attempt to turn off said light. Thou shall then discover what "engine seizure" meanth.
Thou art a real idiot.
After parking thy buggy at work during an all-day snowstorm, thou shalt suddenly remember that thy snow brush is hanging up at thine home, safely in thy garage.
Thou shalt then tuck one's hand into one's jacket sleeve, and use said sleeve, in huge sweeping motions to clear thy car off.
For thine windows, thou shalt ruin thy credit card, in a pathetic attempt at window scraping.
Did I mention that thou art an idiot?
Thou shalt master the Alberta tradition of performing the "snap-back."
This is executed while driving, and in order to get yon ice off of thy windshield wipers, because thy credit card is ruint, thou will rolleth down thy window, turn on thy wipers, and grabbeth them at the right time. Thou will then release or "snap back" the wiper.
Ye are not alone, idiot.
Upon thine battery giving out, thou will find thyself in needeth of a "boost."
Thou will have to shame-facedly admit that thine own booster cables are currently hanging alongside thy snowbrush in yonder garage.
Thou will then -- for unknown reasons -- hooketh up the booster cables from another's car to yours, but not before performing that spark test, wherein the cables are rubbed together for luck. (Note, it is only the male of the species that shall do so.) Thou will then discover the reverse current law of electricity, as smoke fillth thy hood.
We are idiots.
Thou shalt discover that low-profile tires, and 4-wheel drive on thy buggy sucketh when it comes to ice traction.
Thou will then be thankful for thine rear window defroster, so one's hands can be warm, while one pushes said car.
Thou shalt make great time on (wherever) all the way to (wherever), where time will stand still, until thou reachth thy desitination, half an hour later then normal.
A large Tim Hortons and the rhythm of all the "snap backs" shall calm thy nerves.
Thou shalt not clear off thy vehicle before driving it past the rest of us at break-neck speeds. We shall remain miffed due to the fact that you cannot see the famous hand gestures we are offering up.
Thou shalt continue to attempt to look cool by talking on thy cell phone instead of concentrating on the road.
Sample conversation: "Hi, it's me. Can you check if the snowbrush and booster cables are in yonder garage?"
Yes Alberta, the winter of our discontent has grudgingly been taken upon.
It must be thine Climate Injustice.
Per Ardua Ad Astra MERRY CHRISTMAS
posted by Justthinkin at 11:17 AM
ROTFALMAO! I've lived in snow country long enough in my lifetime to identify with this.
I ameth an idiot! I once actually did screw up a credit card trying to de-ice the driver's side of the window.
Heh, heh,...ten commandments that will melt before the ACLU getteth
there. Thou art profound, Moses of the north. :)
Raise up ye,
and praiseth our Lord, Global Warming!
even at -15
Thanks, I needed a good chuckle this morning!
That was hilarious. Thanks for the chuckles.
I taketh offence! I am one of those SUV drivers although I have over sized tires not low profile! It is not one of the pretty street versions commonly found on the roads of Alberta. It has pin stipes compliments of brush. It is never clean, whats the point when it it natuarally navigates to any mud whole withing miles. 4 wheel drift I mean drive... actually does help when starting off on ice. It does NOT however help and may actually hinder while stopping or trying to turn at any kind of speed on same ice. My booster cables are always in the back of said SUV along with my snow brush...yes always. I live in Alberta, it can snow any month of the year! Being a Boy Scout was a good move. Always be prepared! The spark test, I have witnessed that one used to dissaterous results as batteries explode on occasion not just smoke! If I could have one wish for the world, it would not be for world peace. It would be the return of COMMON SENSE! I so miss it. Thanks for the shits and giggles and the oppertunity to rant.
Dude ... you just drive toooo dang slow. Never clear the snow.. accept with thee wiper, then floor it. Mother nature does the rest. .... I'm at one with the earth ... nothin under 80 now .. ya hear?.... LOL